Not Today (Failure)

I failed.
The worst thing happened. Me and my friends who I was praying for didn’t make it. Heart-shattering. I didn’t expect it. Or maybe I’m expecting too much of a fairy-tale. I don’t know.
I prepared for this particular exam for more than five years, I prayed earnestly every step of the way, I worked as hard as I can, people told me I will surely pass, my dad is even expecting me to make it to the top ten, and I even prayed for it, I was even daydreaming of giving an inspirational speech, I made specific and lofty plans for my future, my dreams, I had the image of a person giving his ALL for this exam… And yet I utterly failed.
The taste of defeat is like a spoonful of gravel in the mouth. It’s beyond disgusting.
One of the things I like in life is winning, and losing feels like a stain to my my identity.
The feeling sucks.
It’s simply painful.
I really don’t understand.
I thought I had a good shot of passing it, quite more confident compared to my other pre-board exams.
I’m really confused.
Lots of things are going in my mind right now so I want to write about it so my emotions will gush out through the ink of my pen.
Maybe I became too arrogant. Maybe I shaded something wrong in my test paper. Maybe they lost it. Maybe they will release another batch of passers. Maybe I just really don’t like the profession. Maybe I just simply failed this exam. No excuses.

**********

My mom forced me to eat with her. We just ate silently. No one is even trying to talk. I appreciate that. Just her presence is enough. I don’t want to speak a single word in moments like this.
Honestly, I want time to move fast forward. I want to work already. I want to get busy just for me to forget this misery.
The thought of people expecting too much of me haunts me right now. It makes me want to hide myself from them but I know too well that it is not going to help. Maybe for a while it will but in the long run it won’t.
Sometimes thinking about failing is easy to accept. Sometimes it feels like it is a stab in the heart. It is inconsistent. And odd.
Failing makes you question who you are but it shouldn’t make you doubt how God sees you.
I am His child. I know that as much pain as my parents felt for me, I know He felt that too.

**********

Right now, I will still hope.
My life is a proof that a prayerful and faithful life is not a guarantee of absolute victory in everything at all times. And that’s okay.
These failures are meant to teach us a lesson. Maybe to be more persistent. To be patient. To be faithful. To be courageous. I don’t know what is for you but I’m sure there is.

**********

Christianity is a not a life free of failure but a life full of hope.
No matter what happens, someone who believes in Christ will continue to fight the good fight of faith, will never stop believing, dreaming, and achieving. He looks at himself as someone who has a great future no matter what obstacles come along the way.
Yes I feel devastated right now and I know it won’t pass away easily but I will continue to hope. My hope is anchored in Someone who never failed me, that even if I failed today, He has a plan set for me.
I still love God and I will love Him more. This is something someone should never let go no matter how tough the situation is. This love is my only source of life. Without His love for me, I don’t know if could still keep on going.

**********

I know who I am.

I am someone with a bright future ahead. I may be in the midst of dark times but I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. No matter how far I will bravely take each step towards the future that God has for me. No matter how many voices I hear, a shout or a whisper of lies or deception, I will keep on following the light because I know that it is the truth.
In the midst of hopelessness, I will hope in You.
I am Your son. You are my Father. I will keep on following You. I will never stop serving You. I will never cease loving You, because that is the only way to live this life filled with pain and sadness.
I know joy and peace will come.
Maybe not today. Not tomorrow. But that’s okay because I’m sure it will.
I will choose to give praise to the Lord who deserves all glory and honor.

Defeat is only final if you accept it as reality. -Napoleon Hill

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Not Today (Failure)

  1. Failure is part of the equation. It’s not even “failure” it’s just a bump in the road to where you are purposed to be– a minor set back. It doesn’t mean you can no longer continue; it means you have to keep going. You are not less of a person because of this. You did just fine. 🙂 God gives and takes away. Blessed be His name. Still proud of you! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s